An introduction to alcohol

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Hellooooooooo first-years!

Well ladies and gents, it may have been a while, but kinda like Richard Nixon or that rash your “mate” has… I’M BACK. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Jeremy Gilchrist, and I am Imprint’s in-house drunk, here to make you into a more educated drinker.

The majority of the first-years coming in to the university will be under 19, so this column will be filling you in on alcohol, which YOU HAVE NEVER TOUCHED BEFORE (Jeremy Gilchrist does not condone the consumption of alcohol by underage people). Now we could go into the intricacies of a Chateauneuf-du-Pape and how to search for the smells of a cigar box and crushed nettles, but I don’t think that you are looking for a nice wine to pair to your rosemary skewered lamb shanks. You are most likely looking for beer, that golden and lovely beverage that is nothing but the nectar of the gods on a warm sunny evening. But now that you are living on your own, don’t think that you need to blow your OSAP money on the finest brews around.

Craft beer is a bit of a scam. Now, I am not some halfwit (my ex actually might argue that I am only operating with half a brain, but that is another matter), and I actually know a thing or two about this topic. I used to sell craft beer, and I would be the first to tell you that some of the most exotic and exciting beers that you can get out there are craft beers. But because they do not need to have the full appeal of the mass market, they are able to have more exciting flavours and use some pretty crazy ingredients — a guy I used to work with even made a beer with gummy worms.

The majority of beer drinkers won’t know a damn thing about the different malt varieties or whether a beer is dry-hopped or not. Hell, some of the really dumb ones won’t even know what hops are (they are little flowers that make beer taste like beer, but actually smell like weed). But that does not mean that they are going to be terribly happy drinking crap beer.

So to that end, I have to say that craft beer is a bit overdone. If you are looking for some IPA with mad hops and a strong flavour, then Cameron’s RPA or Flying Monkey Hoptical Illusion are going to be your best bet. But if you are looking for an actual quality beer that doesn’t taste like watered down pig piss, or Budweiser as I like to call it, then go for Coors Banquet. It is not the most expensive beer by a long shot, but it also isn’t the bottom of the barrel either. It is a good quality beer and one that comes in cans, so when you are bringing them into your rez they will be way lighter and there is no risk of slicing your feet open on a broken bottle. It tastes a lot better than Mill St. Organic or Steam Whistle, and is significantly cheaper than both. Banquet comes in a straw-coloured can and is available from both the Beer Store and the LCBO.

Go out, grab a few and shove them in your fridge, or just chuck them in ice in a CLEAN garbage can. Pick up Imprint as it allows me to get drunk and talk to you lovelies. Enjoy yourselves and WELCOME TO WATERLOO! Keep calm and drink on. 

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