Blackberry leads soul-selling industry

After numerous layoffs and property sales, Blackberry has reached a new frontier in their penny-pinching efforts: selling the souls of their co-op students. 

Representatives from the Waterloo-based company said it wasn’t an easy decision to reach.

“They are simply the most valuable asset we own at this point,” said communications director Eunice Belgium-Chang. “Souls are in high demand these days, what with all of the atrocities around the globe, people are dying inside much faster than they used to,” she added.

“We are helping to extend the life of older generations around the globe. We are allowing them to regain the youthful spirit that they once had,” said Marcus Wiener, head of financial development at Blackberry.

The controversial choice is being spun as an “innovative” moneymaker. The company is trying to hold on for one last hurrah before they admit defeat to the iPhone.

“You don’t see Apple selling any souls down in California,” Wiener said. “They don’t have the kind of innovative thinking that companies in the KW area have.”

Blackberry recently purchased soul-extracting equipment from an unnamed technology firm located in the San Francisco area.

UW’s co-op and career services declined to comment on the sales. An anonymous source revealed that CECA is simply happy BlackBerry is still providing co-op jobs and they are unwilling to “rock the boat.”

Current BlackBerry CEO John Chen was unavailable for comments. Employees reportedly have not seen him since the tech conglomerate entered the soul-selling business.

Blackberry was unwilling to provide contact information for any of their co-op students saying that they wish to protect the privacy of their employees.

“Morale is up around here,” Weiner said. “Co-op students are young and eager for employment, they are all maintaining positive attitudes and are more than willing to help our company stay on its feet.”

“We all have to make sacrifices.”