Feds did a thing, but what?

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The Federation of Students (Feds) has introduced an initiative that nobody understands or needs.

Feds is an integral part of the UW community that provides services and governance for the undergraduate population of UW. Throughout their decades-long existence, Feds has introduced and implemented many initiatives that have bettered the experience of undergraduate students.

After extensive consultations with students over Facebook, Reddit, and the Feds official website, Feds introduced a new initiative sometime last week. They will be implementing this initiative over the next 50 or more years.  It is not entirely clear what the initiative entails, but President Richard Wu is certain that it is an essential step for the betterment of student life.

The consultations resulted in 12 responses, with ten of them stemming from the Reddit community. All of them mentioned that they were in math and that they do not support the initiative, whatever it may be. This initiative will also raise the Feds fee by an indeterminate amount which will be ratified in the October AGM, which may or may not reach quorum, depending on the quality of dinner provided.

Wu, who could possibly have spearheaded this initiative, stated that it is a necessary step forward into a new kind of university experience.

“This initiative will be beneficial for students in many ways — in terms of their experiences in the classrooms, in the clubs and services, and all over campus,” he said. “I am certain that students will grow to appreciate this new service and see it as essential to their success.”

Some students have raised their voices in opposition to the initiative, particularly the increase in the Feds fees.

“This is unacceptable,” Squigely Quigelsworth, spokesperson for the UW Students for Usurpation of Canadian Knowledge and Education and Research Societies (UW SUCKERS), said. “Universities are unnecessary institutions that leech money from the pockets of students. This is ridiculous, absurd, senseless, and derogatory!”

Quigelsworth followed his statement with a series of agitated shrieks and grunts.

Wu stated that the fee increases are well within the rights of the Feds, and they are protected by the policies and bylaws that students vote on at AGMs. In addition, he has stated that his doors are open for anyone who would like clarity on the initiative and its purpose.

“My door is open for anybody who would like some clarity on the initiative, the bylaws, or anything to do with the Feds and how we function,” Wu said. “All 30,000 undergraduates are welcome to personally contact me for more information about this initiative; I am available from 10:00 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. every full moon that falls on a Tuesday.”