GEESE ARE PEOPLE TOO!

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Have you noticed that our goose population seems to be constantly growing? According to new claims made by an anonymous UW staff member, there&rsquo;s a good reason: all these geese are actually genetically-altered students.&nbsp;</p>

Posting an AMA on the UWaterloo subreddit from the account “SoylentGoose,” the source went on to explain that they are a high-ranking member of the UW administration whose sole responsibility is to oversee human-to-goose experimentation and pick the most eligible test subjects. 

What’s more, it seems that underperforming students are targeted for these goose experiments. The source implied that anyone in the bottom 30 per cent of their program was eligible for involuntary goosification, or, to put it in their words, “Bs and Cs get the geese.” 

Perhaps the most terrifying aspect of this entire process is that there is no real reason motivating these experiments — it’s just for kicks. 

“Apparently a lot of the guys up at the top of UW administration just really, really like geese,” SoylentGoose commented.  “They hear stories about geese chasing around students or people stepping in goose crap and it just cracks them up.” 

Feds VP-elect of operations and finance Brian Schwan  has promised to ensure that student benefits such as the Feds health and dental plan will still apply to goosified students, if solid evidence of the genetic experiments comes to light. 

“It’s Feds’ responsibility to ensure the needs of all students are being met, whether they’re human, goose, or otherwise.” 

Rumours have also circulated about either allowing geese into the current Student Life Centre, or possibly modifying plans for the new student life building to make it goose-exclusive. 

UW students seem to be split on whether or not the source’s claims are legitimate. 

“It’s gotta be BS, it doesn’t make any sense,” said Alan Caulfield, 4B arts. “I could buy into students being turned into geese, but why on earth would they want to stay on campus? I sure as hell wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have to be.”

Sarah Leary, 2B Biochemistry, disagreed. “It adds up to me. When I see the geese, I’m instinctively filled with the same deep-seated loathing that I have towards all of the other UW students, so there has to be a connection.” 

When asked in their AMA how the administration could possibly afford to run the university if they were constantly converting students into waterfowl, SoylentGoose explained that the costs were regularly balanced by raising tuition for humanoid UW students, and mentioned that there are plans to raise the tuition again very soon. 

Among the believers, reception has been mixed, with most students angered at the upcoming tuition hike but surprisingly OK with the human-goose experimentation. 

“I’ve got two midterms and an assignment worth 25 per cent due this week. If getting turned into a goose means I can stop worrying about school and spend my time flying and crapping wherever I want, I’m all for it,” said Daniel Yeung, 3A engineering.

“Also, isn’t goose mating season coming up soon? I’m just saying, I’ve been here three years and haven’t gotten laid; maybe I’d have more luck as a goose.”

The geese of UW were contacted to verify the claims of transmogrification, though they refused to comment. Some would view their lack of denial as a confession in itself, but we’ll let you take your own meaning from their silence.

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