The high-five. One of the purest expressions of appreciation or acknowledgment mankind has created. The physical manifestation of one bro saying “nice, bro” to another. No doubt we’ve all felt the swelling pride when we were recipients of a high-five, as well as the crushing disappointment when our attempts to facilitate one were thwarted. But UW student Connor McAllister, 2A mathematics, is taking a stand until his “high-five-worthy moment” is rewarded. </p>
His tribulations began Wednesday morning during one of his courses, when his professor, while sorting out a calculation error on a calculus sample question, muttered, “That’s way too big.” Not missing a beat, McAllister shouted, “That’s what she said!” and tried to initiate a high-five with a nearby classmate (who has asked to remain anonymous). The classmate refused to take part.
Rather than taking an L and lowering his arm, McAllister decided to take a stand. For the remainder of the class, he kept his arm elevated, determined to make his classmate high-five him. When his class ended and no one acknowledged his high-five, McAllister began what he calls a “high-five strike,” refusing to lower his hand until someone, anyone, would give him a high-five.
Waterloo Enquirer spoke to him for an exclusive interview during hour five of his high-five strike.
“Oh, my every waking moment is agony,” McAllister said when asked about the pain of his prolonged arm-raising. “I lost all feeling in my fingers hours ago, and at this point, I’m terrified of what’s going to happen when I finally lower my arm. I don’t know if my arm can even bend that way anymore.”
McAllister went on to say that his refusal to lower his arm is a matter of pride. “I mean, I feel like I’m kind of owed a high-five, if not for my joke, then at least for my resilience. At this point, I’ve come too far to go home without one — I think the shame of giving up would hurt far worse than the excruciating pain my arm’s going through. By the way, do you have, like, an ice pack or something?”
I did not.
When the Waterloo Enquirer asked Dr. Eli Mercer at Health Services about the possible medical repercussions of raising your arm in the high-five position for extended periods of time, he commented that it was “the stupidest thing [he’s] ever heard” and to “get the hell out of [his] office.”
The Campus Response Team is currently monitoring McAllister so that they can administer help when either his will or his body inevitably breaks and he lowers his arm. Regrettably, this reporter was unable to high-five McAllister and end his suffering, due to reasons of journalistic integrity and also because I have standards about high-fives, standards which a played-out “that’s what she said” joke do not meet. Really, Connor, it’s 2016.