It’s job hunting season, and if you’re like me, you haven’t landed a single interview. But don’t worry! All it takes to land a job is rich parents and/or a powerful cover letter. In this article, I’ll give you tips on how to write the right cover letter to land you any job.
Don’t use your real name — use a classy pseudonym instead. This way, your potential employer won’t even have to know about your criminal record. To come up with a good pseudonym, try combining the first name of your childhood idol and the last name of an old time rocker. For example, Sponge Jovi. See how easy it is?
Don’t ask for a job — ask for a promotion. Make your employer-to-be think you’re an employee-to-are. The resulting confusion might just land you a job and a pay raise. Plus, when they find out you’re not already on the company payroll, they’ll probably congratulate you for having moxie and/or spunk.
Talk about your hobbies. Employers aren’t just looking for a worker, they’re looking for a friend. If it turns out Mr. Bossman enjoys writing Harry Potter fanfics as much as you, then you might find writing Hairy Potter and the Prisoner of Ass-can-bang wasn’t such a waste of time after all.
Put everything together in an easy-to-read format. For fonts, I recommend either Comic Sans, Wingdings, or Helvetica. If you need to see an example of all these concepts in action, take a look at my cover letter to Tesla:
Dear Elon Musk,
It was great talking to you at the electric-water cooler the other day. I just wanted to follow up on that conversation we had about giving me a raise, and to share with you a little bit about myself: I enjoy long walks on the beach and into the ocean, fine cheeses, and the gentle breeze of a warm summer’s day. Among other qualifications, I am a licensed Pleasure Craft Operator — which sounds dirty, but isn’t (unless you’re into that sort of thing). During my first term at the University of Waterloo, I developed a resistance to sleep, invented a new kind of pizza, and learned how to take the bus alone, without my parents. If you hire promote me, I’ll bring a positive attitude, a good work ethic, and some fine cheeses to the workplace.
And that’s all there is to landing a job. Read my next blog post for advice on how to catch a goose and skin it, too. Happy job hunting!