UW president Feridun Hamdullahpur has repeatedly denied allegations that he is a reptilian bent on the manipulation and subjugation of the human race. Despite his position as president of a university which allows him to monitor the latest in scientific and technological innovation, he is still attempting to maintain the façade that he is not one of the hundreds — or likely thousands — of shape-shifting semi-humanoid reptiles that have plagued humanity’s development for eons. </p>
Reptilians, as researchers have defined them, are a race of lizard-headed humanoids. While some suggest they have merely lived beneath the ground in peace with humanity, recent research has suggested that they have meddled throughout human history, infiltrating positions of power. Using a combination of shape-shifting and possession of human minds, the reptilian overlords have been able to direct human society as a whole.
While no one has been able to provide conclusive evidence of our reptilian masters, researchers are slowly putting together the pieces. Prof. Jen McDonald, of the department of biology, said, “While I don’t study reptiles specifically, they have been on our planet for millions of years. As most schoolchildren could tell you, reptiles and dinosaurs ruled the planet much longer than humanity has been around.”
She added, “That was metaphorical. You realize I’m talking about reptiles, right? … Please, stop calling me.”
The culture of fear under our reptilian president is pervasive; McDonald refused to provide any further comment other than, “Get some help,” but who, in a world where reptilians walk among us, could provide that help she so desperately needs?
Undeterred, the Waterloo Enquirer was able to secure safe passage into Needles Hall after hours to investigate Hamdullahpur.
Initial investigation was promising. The desktop computer, bulletin board with sticky notes, and unwashed coffee mug all suggested a normal human office; the reptilians have perfected highly sophisticated techniques for mimicking human behaviour.
The night custodians were unable to provide comment out of fear for their lives; alternatively, Hamdullahpur’s possession powers may have enabled him to silence witnesses. One woman, who preferred to remain anonymous, attempted to remove me from the premises saying, she was “not” part of Hamdullahpur’s plan to collect promising students and integrate them into the reptilian new world order.
After escaping the custodian drones, I was able to resume my position crouching under Hamdullahpur’s desk until he arrived after his morning ritual of assuming a human form. As the door opened, I sprung up and noticed a terrified woman.
Hamdullahpur ran in, attuned to the screams of his human victims. He refused to answer any questions about his status as a reptilian and instead attempted to coerce me into revealing my allies.
“How did you get in here?” he asked, neither confirming nor denying his plans to possess students on their co-ops to gain access to communications companies and the Canadian government.
As of press time, Hamdullahpur’s office blocked access to information requests from our email address.