How to play: We all compare ourselves to our friends, asking what they are doing right and what we are doing wrong. Well, wonder no more UWaterlosers, take this quiz and figure out exactly how bad you have it. To quantify how single you are, go through the questions below and calculate your sum loneliness. Compare your Total Sum Loneliness to the answer key on the right and, if you’re a UW student, add 100 points of singleness because you’re a UW student.
1) Someone cute approached you, so you …
Innocently flash them your wedding ring (10 points)
Ask them about their co-ops (20 points)
Roll your D20 and add your charisma modifier (30 points)
Make eye contact and prepare to say, “I do” (40 points)
2) Your best friend is …
Your significant other (10 points)
The same person since grade school (20 points)
Moaning Myrtle (30 points)
Your crush (40 points)
3) Your favourite winter sport is …
Couples’ figure skating because it’s about showing off the bonds of your love (10 points)
Cross-country skiing: sometimes you just want to spend time alone in a forest (20 points)
Nordic Biathlon: if you’re gonna be alone in the woods, better bring a rifle (30 points)
Bobsled because you get to hug someone until the track ends (40 points)
4) Your childhood hero is …
Mats Sundin (10 points)
Chris Hadfield (20 points)
Rupi Kaur (30 points)
Rogue from X-Men (40 points)
5) When you feel lonely, you listen to …
John Legend’s “All of me” (10 points)
Lo-fi hip hop beats (20 points)
The soundtrack of Titanic (30 points)
Wii start up music (40 points)
6) After you shower you typically …
Collapse back into your fresh duvet (10 points)
Towel-off and begin warm-ups (20 points)
Continue binging Descendants of the Sun (30 points)
You don’t typically shower (40 points)
7) The last time you went out, you …
Met your significant other, and now you never need to go out again (10 points)
Made eye contact with someone but never spoke (20 points)
Went to Phil’s (30 points)
Celebrated finishing your group project, by yourself (40 points)
8) A red flag for you is if …
They ask to connect with you on LinkedIn (10 points)
Their program doesn’t even have co-op (20 points)
They are willing to go to bat for Cardi B (30 points)
They’re into you for some reason (40 points)
9) When you look in the mirror you …
Try to figure out where the Medusa is hiding, so you can slay her without turning to stone (10 points)
Take a selfie, because one day you’ll want to remember yourself looking this fleeky (20 points)
Spot the gains you’ve made in the past 24 hours since you last stared at yourself (30 points)
Remind yourself that you still rate yourself 10 per cent more attractive than other people (40 points)
10) Your answering machine is …
Your significant other picking up the phone and schmoozing with whoever wanted to talk to you (10 points)
Something you know will make you cringe in 2030 (20 points)
Unchanged since 2014, even though your voice has changed significantly since then (30 points)
Solely for the sake of co-op recruiters (40 points)
If you got 90 or less:
You’re a damn liar and you know it. Or you’re stupid. Re-do the quiz and check your calculations doofus.
If you got 100 to 190:
You’re not lonely but you’re also not a UW student. And yet your reading a student newspaper? Add 200 loneliness to your score and check below.
If you got 200 to 240:
C’mon man. It’s the week of Valentine’s Day and you’re doing a quiz. Add 100 loneliness to your score and check again.
If you got 250 to 290:
Even if you are single, you have the proper habits in place to not be single if you were anywhere but UW. You probably have Valentine’s Day plans, even if they’re “ironic.”
If you got 300 to 330:
Content with being single, it’s your golden age! Meaning you have a 70-year-old’s vigour. With the cheeriness of the Baudelaire siblings, your friends turn to you for relationship advice despite the fact that you haven’t had a serious relationship in four years.
If you got 340 to 360:
So, you have a lover but apparently, they don’t go here. And you don’t have any photos of them. But just because you dreamed up a lover doesn’t mean you’re single, except in the literal meaning of the word.
If you got 370 to 400:
You’re the Miranda Hobbes of your friend group, and the only one who knows who Miranda Hobbes is. That’s because you saw Sex and the City AND Sex and the City 2 while all your friends were canoodling.
If you got 410 to 440:
Beep, beep. Your relationships are on life support. After asking your friends to ask their friends to set you up, you’ve begun to think of it as a positive. You’re wrong.
If you got 450 to 490:
At this point I usually say something snarky, but tbh (to be honest if you’ve never texted before) I’m more concerned about your health. Do you even go to a doctor? Go to class? Live in Stratford?
If you got 500:
One may be the loneliest number, but U is the loneliest letter in the alphabet.