Typically, I tend to stick to writing prose, as my poetry skills… probably need refining. But what the hell, it’s the most romantic time of the year, and if you can’t share awful poetry on Valentine’s Day, when can you? Without further ado, I present the following rejected V-Day poems:
To the girl who sits two rows in front of me in psych class
Every Tuesday and Thursday you come into class,
And you always sit in the same seat.
I also always sit in the same seat,
Which is directly two rows behind you.
You’re all I think about in class.
It’s probably making my grades suffer.
But without you, my heart would probably suffer.
The other day you said that your favourite subject is history.
My favourite subject is you.
If you were a textbook, I’d read every word on your pages,
And not just on the nights before midterms.
One day, I hope I can gather the courage
To sit directly one row behind you.
Wait, is that dude your boyfriend?
…Well, I guess your friend is pretty cute too…
A Bromantic Haiku
Hey man, you’re my bro.
Haikus are pretty stupid.
Let’s go watch Die Hard!
Another Valentine’s Day that you’re spending alone.
Your last guy’s an asshole, which you should have known.
Too bad there’s no man who will treat you with kindness.
I guess he just doesn’t exist…
That is… unless…!
Yes, of course, I’m referring to me.
I’d walk across coals just to kiss at your feet.
And I follow you around quite relentlessly
Because you’re all that I see.
You should be with me.
Did you just say no?
You’ve got a lot of nerve.
I’ve been nice for so long,
A date’s what I deserve.
All those times you cried
Over guys who were jerks,
I was right by your side,
Our relationship works!
I’m not just nice either; I’m classy as hell!
This fedora and bowtie let you know I dress well.
This pipe demonstrates that I’m oh-so mature.
I’m right for you, m’lady
Of this I am sure.
Why don’t girls go out with guys who behave?
They only want douchebags who work out, or bathe.
You should be with a man
Who can treat you right!
Oh damsel in distress,
I’ll be your white knight.
You’re not out of my league; I know that for a fact.
I don’t mean to be rude, or seem without tact,
But you’re a six out of 10, wait, maybe a five.
Don’t fret though, I like you for what lies inside.
Whatever, I didn’t love you anyway.
You just seemed like you would be a real easy lay.
I won’t bother being nice to you anymore,
Happy Valentine’s Day, you friendzoning whore!
I’m a grown adult, mother
Please stop giving me Valentine’s cards
…Keep the chocolate coming though.