<em>The following contains spoilers for the </em>Doctor Who <em>episode “Deep Breath”.</em> As you may know, <em>Doctor Who</em>’s eighth season kicked off last weekend, with a bold new approach that threatened to shake the basic principles of the show to its very core. Sure, the time-tested tale of an alien struggling with his (for lack of a better word) humanity, accompanied by a plucky sidekick through their many sci-fi hijinks, is still in place. But that’s all secondary, because for the first time in at least 10 years, the Doctor is no longer conventionally handsome, according to many of the show’s young female audience. Now, I’m not really into dudes, but for the sake of all my heterosexually-inclined ladies and my fellas who like fellas, I put <em>DW </em>under the microscope to see if it’s still worth viewing without any sexy Doctors. The following may be hard to read. In order to really weigh the value of a show as a whole, it’s important to look at all of the separate factors that make it up. So to give an objective review of the show, I looked at the individual sexiness of each character. Let’s start with the obvious winner: <strong>Clara</strong> Three words: Jenna. Louise. Coleman. Keep on keeping it tight girl, you’re the only reason I’m watching this show. I mean, can you blame me? There were at least three different instances where people asked Clara to strip (or put her clothes back on) in this episode alone; clearly, she’s the go-to eye candy. While we’re talking about Clara’s clothes, shout-out to whoever’s choosing Clara’s wardrobe, because all these cute-but-modest outfits? Doing it for me. I mean, I don’t want to be too explicit, but I would definitely eat Clara’s souffle. Eh? Give her the ol’ sonic screwdriver? Show her a wibbly-wobbly good timey-wimey? Fellas, AM I RIGHT? Clara gets a pass. 10/10 Next up we have the supporting cast for the episode, Team Vastra, the rag-tag gang that shows up to help the Doctor when he’s in a tight spot. Now, MOST of the Team Vastra members aren’t necessarily unattractive, but you can tell they went with the less-attractive aliens in order to make Clara seem even hotter (not that that’s even possible, Jenna Louise Coleman is flawless). Just see what I mean: <strong>Jenny, Madame Vastra, and Strax</strong> Jenny’s pretty cute and she’s got the whole sassy maid thing going on if you’re into that (and that modelling scene, though?), but every time I see her, I’m reminded of her untimely death last season. Now, even though that’s apparently been reversed at some point I’ve since forgotten, doesn’t she sort of qualify as a zombie? I’ll keep my sleeping-with-the-undead fantasies exclusive to vampires, thank you very much, and stay away from all the strange revival-based ethical implications. 5/10. Madame Vastra is probably someone’s cup of tea but I like my women less scaly and green, and even when she throws that veil over her head, I’m not feeling it. Still, I guess if you ever wanted to be dominated by a lizard lady, she’s your best bet. Though, really, that’s probably not the kind of thing you want to willingly admit to. 4/10. Strax is a Sontaran, and I think that’s probably all I need to say about him in terms of sex appeal. Props for being such a player though. Just straight up asking Clara to take her clothes off and then checking her out with a medical x-ray machine? Ballsy. Then again, he also has trouble correctly identifying genders, which is not a turn-on, and sleeping with a living baked potato is definitely NOT on my bucket list, so no thank you. Strax is a 2/10, would not bang. Team Vastra Total: 4/10. Meh. And now let’s look at some of the less-important characters, before we get into the episode’s main failing. <strong>T-Rex </strong> The episode opens with a shot of a T-Rex causing mild distress in the Thames, the first sign that those looking for a fun, sexy time are no longer watching the right show. I mean, a T-Rex? Really? Dinosaurs aren’t sexy, and tyrannosauruses aren’t even among the sexiest dinosaurs! The only time this particular rex could ever be called “hot” is when it was LITERALLY ON FIRE about 20 minutes in. It doesn’t serve much purpose in the episode, either, so I assume it was included as part of a desperate attempt to include SOMETHING old enough to make the new Doctor seem young in comparison, but either way, 0/10. <strong>Half-Faced Man</strong> HE ONLY HAD HALF A FACE. Sure, from the side I guess he could probably pass as an average-looking dude, but asymmetry is extremely unattractive. As are top hats. 3/10. And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for: the Doctor himself. <strong>The Thirteenth Doctor</strong> Sure sure, Peter Capaldi makes a very entertaining Doctor who has some wonderful banter with Clara (which might actually be more genuinely enjoyable now that we’re sure neither the Doctor nor his companion wants to get into each others’ pants), and yes, Capaldi jumps into performing all manner of strange, Doctor-esque things with an admirable amount of confidence. But you guys, he’s ooooold. And not even George Clooney, silver fox old. I’m talking old enough to have actually experienced the Victorian era that this episode is set in. Peter Capaldi is so old, he could probably tell you about a time before <em>Doctor Who. </em>Or television. Or electricity. Who exactly is the show trying to turn on with this new Doctor? The only people that are gonna get the hots for this new star are so old that they just call granny panties, “panties.” WHAT WAS MOFFAT THINKING? I CAN’T FAP TO THIS. 4/10! And so, now you can see the new problem this new season of <em>Doctor Who</em> faces: how exactly is the audience supposed to be entertained when there’s only one particularly attractive character? Yes, Clara is gorgeous enough to keep the most dedicated fans coming back for more, but it’s not fair to make Coleman shoulder the fanservice burden all by herself! The creative team has really written themselves into a corner by casting a Doctor that teenage fangirls won’t have awkward fantasies about at night, and as a long-time fan, I’m worried about the continued viability of the show. Still, it’s not too late for the show, they just need to make some changes, and quickly. First of all, they need to emphasize the sexy aliens. No more daleks (who are fugly in or out of their shells), or slitheens, or any of that other stuff I find repulsive. In the expansive history of the <em>DW </em>universe, surely there must be at least ONE alien race I’d like to bone. And if that’s too hard to come up with, just copy one from <em>Mass Effect. </em>Any one. I’m not picky. Second, more Clara. She’s a goddamn national treasure, and also the only hot one at the moment, so use it before you lose it, <em>BBC</em>! Lastly, and most importantly, it’s essential that the Doctor regenerates really quickly into a new, hunkier Doctor, ideally one who simply refuses to wear shirts. Take my advice, Moffat, and we might just save this show yet.