The pit opens, UW doors stay open

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A group of students has filed a formal complaint with the university for staying open during what appears to be the biblical apocalypse. Launched after a considerable amount of online outrage over students having to walk to class through drifts of ash and swarms of scorpion-tailed locusts, the “Home for Armageddon” campaign aims to change university closure policy.


The first signs of the apocalypse appeared on April 1, as four creatures with six eye-covered wings and faces of a lion, calf, man, and eagle, appeared to the world. After consulting with the religious studies department, the administration released a statement declaring “Though the University of Waterloo has concluded that the end of days is upon us, and fire and blood will soon rain down from the sky, the administration believes that it is in the best interests of students, faculty, and the university to remain open during this time.”


The statement was not received positively by students on campus and the Internet.


“This is insane,” said 2B mechatronics engineering student Fred Marnik, “I was almost trampled by a group of crazy half-naked dudes riding horses on my way to class! This is almost as bad as my first 241 midterm.”


On the University of Waterloo subreddit, a discussion thread entitled “WTF UW?” saw many posts claiming that students were inconvenienced by having to attend class this week. Reddit user /u/MarkBendanawicz wrote “You know why I can’t fucking go to school right now UW? Because slugs started pouring out of my fucking toilet and my roommate tried to kill me with her vibrator while spouting religious gibberish. My lazy-ass building manager won’t even fix the fucking slug toilet. That’s why I can’t go to class assholes!”


Originating as an Instagram hashtag, Home for Armageddon was founded as a Facebook group where frustrated students could post gripes about having to attend classes through earthquakes, plagues, and blackened skies. It was soon formalized, and made an official complaint to university administration, stating that “the hellish conditions are too dangerous for students” and “many students would prefer to go out playing video games, eating poutine, and masturbating. The administration’s decision is seriously busting their balls.”


On April 3, new university provost, president, false prophet, and arbiter of souls THE BEAST released a statement claiming that “While the University of Waterloo understands the concerns of students, the administration believes that well-trained students are necessary for my IMPENDING REIGN and that cancelling classes will only serve to keep students from taking THE MARK OF THE BEAST upon themselves.”


The events of the Apocalypse are laid out in Revelations, the last book of the Bible, written sometime around 95 AD by a man named John on the island of Patmos. While many religious groups believe that John the Apostle is responsible for Revelations, the concept is heavily disputed by scholars.


Religious studies adjunct professor Eric Thyme spoke to <em>Imprint</em> on the crisis. &ldquo;I don&rsquo;t think anybody really expected this to ever happen. Some of the more extreme Christian groups were pretty into the whole apocalypse thing, and even the Catholic Church liked it for its kind of insane imagery. But nobody really took it seriously, most mainline groups saw it as allegory. I&rsquo;m stunned that the part we all thought was the most bullshit actually came true.&rdquo;
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