UW constructs residence that sucks money directly out of your bank account

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Amid unprecedented growth at the University of Waterloo, officials have announced the construction of a brand new on-campus residence. Thanks to feedback from the university's frequent focus groups, the new residences will include a plethora of state-of-the-art features including air conditioning, bunk beds, and a comically long vacuum line that literally sucks money directly out of your bank account.


“Our goal of this next project was to design the perfect residence,” says Sandy Nobel, one of UW Housing’s project directors, “and naturally the perfect residence entails making the university a metric fuckton of money.” 


Guidelines for the new residence’s parameters were initially set to accommodate UW students, with focus groups pinpointing the wants and needs of the student body. However, Nobel states that it quickly became apparent that providing free 1080p HD porn and an unlimited supply of moisturizing hand lotion was both unfeasible and unprofitable for UW Housing. “Yeah, our focus groups were eye-opening, to say the least. Also horny.”


Nobel claims amenities at this new residence are top-of-the-line and will put this new residence well above UW’s other residences. “Our bunk beds will literally have spikes protruding out of the mattress until you insert a $50 bill for the night, and you can’t reach the top bunk without paying a $10 fee to lower the ladder. We also have air conditioning, but the ventilation will filter in farts from that one smelly dude in your residence that you really don’t like unless you pay $25 an hour.”


This ambitious plan from UW Housing is slated to be completed by the end of 2014. Nobel is pleased with the projected profit earnings from the new residence, forecasted to be somewhere in the range of “We can provide dons with tasers” to “Feridun wants a new monster truck and we can afford it!”


Despite the profit-oriented approach UW Housing has taken, Nobel states that not all of the student desires were ignored.


“We didn’t include a gym, because y’alls are lazy fucks.”
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