How to spot a communist:

1 They speak English in a weird accent

Be wary of anyone that does not speak English the way our British forefathers would have intended. There is nothing wrong in wanting people to speak English in a way that makes me comfortable. In fact, fuck British accents too.

2 Take them shopping

Well-known fact: communists only shop at army surplus stores, because “when you support the army you support everyone.” A strong army is a strong state, according to them, and they will refuse to buy from anywhere else.

3 Check the pictures in their room

Do they have a framed picture of Fidel Castro or Vladimir Putin? Chances are they’re harbouring communist sentiments. The success of these individuals drives and inspires communist scum. Just the sight of these reds makes me see red. 

4 They support unionization

Workers’ rights are a big deal to communists. Suspected communists have even suggested a student union on our very campus to “prevent oppression of students.” Bah!

5 They raise their hand in class

A communist will raise their hand a lot in class. You will notice them saying things like “my Marx are good,” or  “the workers revolution is inevitable.” Be wary! 

They don’t use the Bible in court

If your friend is summoned in court and chooses to swear on a copy of the Communist Manifesto instead of the Bible, you may just be dealing with a communist.

7 Make them read Animal Farm

If they sympathized with or supported the sheep in Animal Farm, chances are they’re communist.

8 They use cash to pay for everything

Cash is directly distributed by the government. No need to have a middleman such as banks. Like that idea would ever work.  According to commies, “who needs cash when you have Mother Russia?”

9 Tried to seize means of production

Has your friend ever been fired from their part-time job for trying to take punch clocks home? Communists know these instruments are used to oppress them and try to take a stance against these structures.

10 Openly declare they’re a communist

When they realize you’re persuadable, a communist might tell you they are a communist and talk about sharing the wealth. Admitting to being a communist is a guaranteed way to identify a follower of communism. Also, anyone with in depth knowledge on how to spot a communist, may also be a communist.


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