BY: Abhiraj Lamba, Self declared advice columnist
Life’s tough! We at Misprint understand that.
So I decided to bring my expertise to you and provide the solutions to all your life’s problems.
If you are wondering why you should listen to my advice, here are some testimonials from the Misprint team:
- “Abhiraj is [REDACTED] very selfless and I [REDACTED] trust him to give good advice.” — Nadia Khan, Arts & Life Editor
- “This man has an absurd amount of confidence. Completely ridiculous. Seems to be working for him though.” — Nicola Rose, Editor-at-Large
How do I convince my friend and former coworker to stop being a stan of a singer? — Stan Hater
Dear Stan Hater,
Not going to lie, your friend/ex-coworker sounds awesome. As a major participant in stan culture, I have to say it’s amazing. Stan culture is practically a religion to me so consider this proselytization: become a stan yourself (We Swifties and Selenators are always expanding).
Your friend could probably teach you a thing or two about how as a stan you need to be ever ready to defend your idols — even when you know they’re wrong (not that they ever are).
Ultimately, fandom culture is beautiful, and I have to take your friend’s side here.
How do I pick up girls in the DC library? — Lonely in the Library
Dear Lonely in the Library,
Not sure the library is the best place to pick up girls. People usually go to the library to study, and they probably have better things to do than talk to sad, lonely people. Then again, this is Waterloo, so there’s a good chance they’re sad and lonely as well.
If you’ve made up your mind that the library is your best bet, then I guess just do what I do — be a naturally attractive and charismatic person. If you don’t have the same incredible qualities as I do, then I’m not going to be of much help to you.
You won’t believe this, but my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss. My girlfriend tells me it’s all in my head, but my stomach tells me to write to you instead. — Noise Maker
Dear Noise Maker,
I hate to say this, but your girlfriend is gaslighting you. Your stomach is making noises, and anyone who tells you otherwise does not have your best interests at heart.
You know who does have your best interests at heart? Your stomach. That’s why it told you to write to me — the smartest man alive! Continue listening to your stomach. It clearly knows what it’s talking about.
How do you avoid getting attacked by geese? — Afraid Pedestrian
Dear Afraid Pedestrian,
There is only one way to avoid getting attacked by geese — accept the geese as your rulers and hope that they are merciful. This campus belongs to them, and we only stay here at their behest.
We must pray that they remain our benevolent overlords.
Hi Abhi. Your biggest fan here. What’s your favourite colour? — Abhi’s Biggest Fan
Dear Abhi’s Biggest Fan,
First of all, I’m flattered. I mean, I get it — I would totally be a fan of mine as well. But thanks nonetheless.
Being an Abhi fan isn’t exactly a life problem, so you aren’t really taking full advantage of the life-changing opportunity to seek my advice here, but I guess that’s less important to you than learning more about me (and rightly so). My favourite colour is probably teal or cerulean or azure or aquamarine or a similar shade of blue.