Captain’s log: How to be a human raccoon


As a starving student, I spent Orientation Week partaking in that ancient of tasks: gathering. Cementing my scavenger abilities and proving that despite years of schooling I haven’t progressed much farther than the Paleolithic, I scoured campus for the best in available cuisine ripe for the picking. Here follows my account of the trials, tribulations, and battles which I endured in my week-long search of sweet, sweet free food.


Walking to campus via University Avenue, I encountered a free BBQ outside Laurier. The crowd of Golden Hawks was distasteful, but the delicious sausage made it bearable. The things I endure for a full belly!


Cupcakes, cupcakes everywhere. The SLC was packed with them, and in every direction I turned, more were hoisted upon me by the locals. I gotta say, they were topped by some of the best cupcake icing I’ve ever had. I washed them down with a fine orange juice discarded by the uncaring frosh mob.


I located a tray of leftover juice bottles; however, they were all cranberry. I felt like a vampire as I drained as much thick, red juice as I could and added its life-force to my own. I gained further nutrients from a pack of fruit gummies forsaken by an addled orientation leader.


I was given two pizza slices by a sympathetic volunteer. Unfortunately it was host to my age-old enemy: the mushroom. I peeled off the loathsome fungus and indulged in the wondrous feast. I also won the lottery with the acquisition of an entire, huge bowl of salad that had been left abandoned on the second floor of the SLC. The monstrous heap of vegetation still haunts my fridge.


The first day of school. But, as a slothful arts student with two online courses and a four-day weekend, my vacation continued. Yet though I looked everywhere, there was naught to be found. I ate a lonely granola bar, then retired for the day.


Today was the climactic end of my week’s adventures, with riches barely dreamed of before. At the SLC there were free Bomber burgers in nearly inexhaustible quantities, paired with a wide variety of juices. My quest continued when I found a platter of donuts and soup outside of POETS. I grabbed a fritter, but before I could consider any more beyond that, a horde of Engineering leaders descended upon it. Not unlike a group of piranhas, they had picked the cardboard clean within seconds. As I searched elsewhere for sustenance, I found an entire bag of apples and brought them home to fuel my future adventures.

As I write this, it is the start of Welcome Week, and yet another weeklong celebration of bountiful freebies. See you on the battlefield; the war has only just begun.


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