First-years! Is your crush 2 OLD 4 U?


For many of us, coming to UW is one of the most exciting moments in our lives. We’re proud to enter this prestigious institution, but we’re also considering who we will grow into and who we want to succeed with. Many of our parents met in university and I’m sure it’s got you thinking “Who’s to be my match in this school of over 36,000 students?” After the Aphrodite algorithm, you also got to wonder, how old is too old? I’m sure your mother, brother, uncle and dog all have their own opinions, but mine is much more important. 

Try my quiz and find out if your dating life trends toward the dodo bird or “Old Town Road “(without Billy Ray Cyrus).  Remember to record your points and be honest. Good luck, Loobirds.


1.The first time you meet them, they want to connect on Fb.  Your reaction:

1.) “For sure!!” (I’ll “poke” them and see if they have any fiiinneeee siblings) (200 pts)

2.) Bruv, you’re not serious…. (40 pts)

3.) Well duh, where else would we connect?  (Give yourself 120 pts

2. You ask for the time and they say quarter to one. Your reaction:

1.) *nod as if you understand then spend the nextfive minutes translating* (60 pts)

2.) “False. My phone says 12:43” (110 pts)

3.) …… but why tho? (80 pts

3. They tell you to listen to their favourite mixtape and pull it out of their bag. Your reaction:

1.) “Sooo what’s wrong with your Spotify?” (80 pts)

2.) This is mad cool (30 pts)

3.) *Giggle* Is this a phase? Because music really isn’t for everybody…. (140 pts

4. They mentally calculate the restaurant bill as you pull out your phone calculator. Your reaction:

1.) *cue the beat* “Two plus two is four, minus one that’s three quick maths!” (50 pts)

2.) But you still got it wrong tho. (140 pts)

3.) “Way to impress, I like” (90 pts

5. Their latest WhatsApp update is their favourite mom selfie. Your reaction:

1.) *Swipe up* “Hottttttt” (160 pts) 

2.) “Aw, cute” as you swallow the horror that they still don’t understand social media (40 pts)

3.) *Screenshot and sent to best friend* (130 pts)

6. They take you on a date night involving a fun activity and bring you home for a delicious home-cooked meal. Your reaction: 

1.) ‘Twas fun, I’ll consider a second date (190 pts)

2.) *Plans wedding* (80 pts) 

3.) “So how many have you lured with this tactic?” (300 pts

7. They still laugh every time you mention Chief Keef. Your reaction:

1.) “Laugh again, I dare you” (10 pts)

2.) “Childish lol” (400 pts)

3.) *laughs with them* (350 pts

If you scored 301-800 pts

Your status: dating a Boomer. 

I’ll say what your friends won’t: RUN. Mentally, y’all are decades apart, worlds away. You’re like Tay-Tay dating John Mayer Prepare yourself for many disagreements concerning modern music and the club, but also  many more proper date nights. They’ll have some explaining to do when they meet your parents, assuming they didn’t already meet at Space Camp in the ‘80s. Welcome to #adulting

If you scored 801-1000 pts

Your status: LOST. 

The fact that you’re not in first year but still taking this quiz says odd things about your relationship status. Like a Bronte-esque protagonist, you’re at ease dating minor creeps. You’re the one at the club calling it a discoteque and you probably do the crossword. You use words like “horrid” and “Episcopalean” just to sound smarter, but it’s better than dating someone older just to seem more mature

If you scored 1001-1300 pts

Your status: dating your other half. 

Gross. You guys are PERFECT for each other. Genuinely. Y’all might not have the same tastes but your apathy concerning school is right about level. You guys are doomed to enjoy many more awful nights of hugs and kisses and togetherness. Your coupledom will sicken others. Get used to it because your friends (who you now share) will not

If you scored 1301-1400 pts Your status: dating a first year. 

Your partner is probably on the other side of campus doing this exact quiz, because the reality is you’re too old for them.You’re Jennifer Anniston, but they’re John Mayer. You didn’t want to admit it but you’ve noticed their basic-ness. They seem so much more mature than their friends, yet they still act so childish. Annoying? Yes! But you like them. Remember to check yourself before you wreck yourself! Cheers

If you scored 1401 -1500 pts

Your status: dating yourself. 

And they’ll be jealous but keep doing you. Who cares if you’re not in first year? You are free to do what you will BECAUSE the one other person who can tell you what to do is yourself. You’re the Zac Galifianakis of your friend group. For every Simba there’s a Timone and Puma being besties and eating grub.  We love to see it.


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