Giga Game Breaker: Miyamoto is my homeboy


There’s one video game that has stood the test of time. Over decades and decades, this game has continued to hold its place as the best video game of all time.

Fuck World of Warfare, Animal Crosswalk, and worst of all, Pokémon. None of these games holds a candle to my one and only.

From the moment the green light flashes and you take off in your pink dress, the excitement builds. A man with a strange mustache flies by, yelling “woohoo!” It’s at this moment that you know you’ve entered a battle to the death.

The challenges you face are based on the world around you. You could be fighting against snow, water, sand, Mack trucks, or even rainbows.

Who knows what the next turn will bring? Will the shell of a cold-blooded animal knock you off your wheels? Will the skin of a fruit take you by surprise, sending you into an almost unrecoverable tailspin?

Tension mounts knowing any moment, lightning will strike.

As you speed up, veering out of the way of obstacles (and hoping those behind you aren’t so lucky to get out of the way), there is one saving grace — floating boxes of many colours that can provide you with the very thing you need to make it out of this course alive.

If you’re leading the pack, your floating box likely won’t help you much. It may provide a green shooting device that will only go where you tell it. It’s the red shots you want, or the blue ones, covered with spikes, that will lock on to a target like a heat-seeking missile.

The floating boxes may also provide a glowing yellow fungus that effect you in a similar manner as ‘shrooms would in real life (I assume). Your energy mounts and you take off as though adrenaline is coursing through your veins, pushing you forward beyond normal human speeds.

The sound of crossing the finish line is followed by a sigh of relief. You can now sit back, see what place you came in, and compare it to the ranking of the man with the strange mustache and the gorilla-like animal that is for some strange reason referred to as a donkey.

The game is the epic, the incomparable, the ever-wonderful Mario Kart. And it’s the best game you’ll ever play.


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