Misprint Pitchbot



  1. Imprint relaunching Arts and Life section as Arts and No Life
  2. Seventeenth UW student admits to reading Imprint, resulting in highest recorded readership since 2011
  3. WUSA to begin recruiting local high school students for leadership positions
  4. Undergraduate students support WUSA dictatorship after fourth consecutive failure to reach quorum at a WUSA General Meeting
  5. UW president defends decision to stay open during apocalypse: “Our commitment to the academic mission will always take priority”
  6. Counselling Services introduces new slogan: “It can wait”
  7. UW cancels campus de-stress initiatives, diverts funding to budget for new engineering building
  8. UW study finds no correlation between poor mental health services, mental illness on campus
  9. “Single and Sexy” orientation play renamed due to continued lack of sexual activity amongst UW students
  10. BREAKING: stampede at PAC after bench press left vacant for more than five seconds
  11. UW launches Anti-Goose Task Force after third fatal goose attack in the same month
  12. UW Anti-Goose Task Force proposes elimination of violent geese from campus, suggests student referendum
  13. Coalition of UW environmental groups denounce campus Anti-Goose Task Force proposal over concerns about negative ecological impact
  14. With a turnout of 87 per cent, UW students vote overwhelmingly in favour of removing geese who attack humans from campus
  15. WUSA votership reaches record low of 2 per cent
  16. Pacifist student renounces political nonviolence after landing Lockheed Martin internship, commits first war crime
  17. Arts Student Union office condemned due to disrepair, couch remains pristine