New new year’s resolutions

It’s mid-January, which means it’s probably been a couple of weeks since you made your New Year’s resolution. By now, you’ve probably realized that you hate going to the gym, or that meeting new people is a pain, or that trying hard in school is just so boring. Basically, you’re regretting your resolution. Believe me, I get it — my NYR is to cut back on my bad puns, and it’s been rough. One of my friends even suggested starting a bad pun jar, but frankly I find the idea a bit jarring.

A typical columnist might tell you to not give up, and that you’re never going to get anywhere if you don’t put in the effort. But I’ve found an easier solution: New New Year’s resolutions! NNYRs are the backup plan for when you give up on your first resolution. Unlike traditional resolutions, these are so easy that it’s almost impossible to fail! Allow me to provide some examples:

<strong>1. Hit the (Pok&eacute;mon) gym</strong>

In my inexperience, one of the worst parts about going to the gym is the requisite physical labour. It&rsquo;s just so much work, and for what? A healthier body? More self-confidence? Being able to answer &ldquo;yes&rdquo; when someone asks if you even lift? Pffft. For the price of a gym membership, you can pick up a Pok&eacute;mon game and start your training there instead.

It will be a bit of a time commitment, but within a few hours you&rsquo;ll be able to master the first gym, all without ever having to get up off your ass. Give up on mastering the bench press, and settle for being a Pok&eacute;mon master instead!

<strong>2. Make new (Facebook) friends</strong>

Sometimes, making new friends can be hard. Maybe you&rsquo;re too shy to talk to people. Maybe everyone you talk to is an asshole. Maybe you&rsquo;re an asshole and nobody likes you for good reasons. Whatever the case, there&rsquo;s a very simple solution: lower your standards and settle (starting to notice a pattern?) for new Facebook friends!

If you read last week&rsquo;s column, you know that lots of people are on Facebook, and with so many other friends to keep up with, nobody&rsquo;s going to put much pressure on their relationship with you.

Send a friend request to anyone whose name seems even slightly familiar, and I guarantee that you&rsquo;ll have more Facebook friends in no time &mdash; seriously, people have remarkably low Facebook friend standards. It&rsquo;s easy, stress-free, and you don&rsquo;t need to worry about putting any effort into the relationship, at least until the next time they clean up their friend list.

<strong>3. Survive</strong>

This is a tried and true New New Year&rsquo;s resolution. Most likely, you&rsquo;ve been alive for about the last 20 years, and given the average Canadian life expectancy, odds are good you&rsquo;ll last through 2014, so this goal is recommended for the least ambitious of resolution-makers. Common tips for surviving include continuing to breathe whenever possible, not standing in the middle of traffic, and not going to school when it feels like -40 C.

Granted, these goals aren&rsquo;t particularly challenging or fulfilling (unless you really have a thing for Pok&eacute;mon), but hey, if you really need to get some points on the NYR scoreboard, you can&rsquo;t go wrong. Like any goal in life, you get back what you put in. As usual, I&rsquo;m just here to lower the bar.


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