Quarantine diaries: Res life in 2031


Dear diary,

Today is day 3,650 in quarantine. It’s been 10 years since I last went outside. 

I’ve been locked in my UW Place dorm since April 2021 after an outbreak was declared in the residence buildings. I have had no contact with the outside world aside from a few Twitter fleets — they’ve really taken the world by storm — and sometimes I make eye contact with a bird perched on the branch outside my window. I’m convinced this is one of my ancestors speaking to me from the beyond.

My LED strip lights burnt out about seven months into the lockdown but I keep them up for their vintage flair. My hair has been in a messy bun for about three years now ever since I “just threw it up”; it has yet to come down. 

I seem to have developed some weird hobbies during this decade-long quarantine. For instance, I started collecting the forks from the cafeteria when it sends meals up to my dorm. I don’t think the staff has noticed yet, but my diorama of the Golden State Bridge made entirely out of borrowed plastic forks is really coming along nicely. 

I’ve watched Friends on Netflix so many times that I believe I’ve developed a romantic relationship with Joey. I know he’s a bad boy and a player, but I can change him, I swear! Matt LeBlanc might be in his 60s now but time is a social construct and Joey is young forever. I think Alba Tribbiani has a nice ring to it, don’t you, diary?

Sometimes I get sad when I realize I spent my best years locked up in this dorm room. I’m 28 now for crying out loud — no seriously, I spent my 28th birthday crying out loud in my bathtub with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream, the non-dairy version of course. I got a noise complaint from the residence staff and I felt overjoyed that someone wanted to visit me on my birthday!

My window has been jammed for about five years now and I’ve given up on trying to open it. It’s much cooler to stare out of it, especially when it’s raining, and lightly graze my fingers as I look off into the distance and pretend I’m in a music video for a Hedley song. 

Of course, there could be a million other things I could be doing right now instead of sitting inside on account of the global pandemic that is ensuing. When I finally became eligible for the vaccine though, I held back because I wanted to see what would happen to other folks first. Bad call, diary. All the vaccines were distributed while I was in here having a staring contest with a goddamn pigeon. For the record, I may have taken the L on the shot, but I beat that bird. Suck it, Peter the Pigeon. 

I don’t know when I’ll be able to leave my dorm again, but I know that as soon as I get out of here, I’m heading to New York City to find Joey. How ya doin’?

Talk to you soon, diary,

Alba Maselph


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