Students Party on St. Patrick’s Day, Police Baffled: “but we put up pylons”

Photography by Andrew Yang

Since St. Patrick’s Day, COVID cases have begun to rise in Waterloo Region. Police officers across the city are dumbfounded by the surge in cases since they blocked off Ezra Street with four or five pylons. 

Imprint spoke with Chief of Police Willy Gartner after he arrived to the interview several hours late. His badge was upside down and he hadn’t shaved. “I just don’t understand what we did wrong,” said Gartner. “We did absolutely everything we could. We put up so many pylons. Definitely more than four. The street was a fortress. Like almost five. Seriously. There’s [sic] pictures. Don’t believe me? Look it up. Fort Knox. We also folded our arms. We trained for this. All year. Don’t believe me? I have pictures. See? We did drills. What more could we have done? They tricked us. We were duped. Duped! Why did they do this to us?” He took a drink from his pocket flask and burst into tears.  

When asked if he expected the party to be moved to literally any of the many, many other streets in Waterloo, like literally any of them, seriously, there are so many, the city is full of streets, that’s what a city is, Gartner stared blankly and asked our reporter to repeat the question several more times. After a glass of water, he answered, “I guess we did not fully explore that potentiality,” through several hiccups. 

Our reporter asked Gartner a few more questions but instead of answering he peered at his filing cabinet and whispered, “You let us all down, Will. Just like always.” After the third question, he sat on the floor and rocked back and forth while occasionally mumbling, “Why can’t you just be like your older brother.”