You are in a committed relationship with no one


You’re alone on Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry, I am too. But enough about me, this is (possibly) about you.

It’s your job to ignore your feelings. All of them. Especially that one. The only way to disregard them with any semblance of dignity, however much that may be, is to either be hyper asocial or actively anti-social. 

That’s right, I’m telling you to either avoid everyone like they have the plague or to destroy every couple (or more if you’re into polyamorous relationships) you see in deliciously ironic ways. 

I’m not bitter. Not me.

Anyway, to avoid all semblances of life and love is to do things that will distract you. Easy, right? Go to the movies — no, wait, there’s your roommate and their partner sucking face. Wow, I never knew The Spongebob Movie was that sexy. Turn 180 degrees and get out of that mess.

Maybe a rousing game of pool will tickle your fancy and you can unwind with a beverage while you sink the — damn, it looks like the office couple that won’t shut up about their last vacation to Hawaii is there playing, admittedly terrible, pool. There’s no solace at your favourite billiards bar tonight.

Go for a round of bowling — oh, your sister is there with your brother-in-law, and they’re teaching each other how to bowl.

Your boss and his paramour are thoroughly enjoying the laser tag tournament and are ruining your ability to shoot lasers at others.

And there’s no way you’re going to the Valentine’s Day party your other other friend is throwing because they too are lonely on this day.

That’s it! No more! I get it, there’s love in the air! 

Time for non-specific, AoE moves that will teach everyone how to find someone to spend the day with. 

Go out there and fire rays of chocolate death on all. Send sarcastic chalky hearts with “you’ll do” or “in it for the candy” on them and ruin the mood for them. Throw ants at all of the people wearing edible clothing to teach them the potential for yeast infection is real. 

Ruin every heart-shaped object like Patrick Star; denounce all feelings of love for benign loneliness; eat your feelings, and finally off that tub of ice cream you left in your freezer because who really eats ice cream in the winter?

Or don’t. Whatever, I’m not your life coach. My editor has just told me to put in 100 words of actual advice for once. 

Read a book or something; stay indoors. Check out the bar scene — maybe you’ll find the one for you. Go to that party I mentioned but don’t tell them I sent you. Check out one of those dating sites and see what they link you up with. 

Things aren’t as bad as they may seem. Maybe you got a cheque in the mail to help with OSAP. Maybe you got a random Valentine’s Facebook message. Play that really lengthy level or boss fight that has been hampering your studies.

You’re worth it.


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