You swear you haven’t been drinking, officer

This advice column &mdash; it&rsquo;s the closest thing to being one at least &mdash; can go two ways. Either you <em>were</em> drinking irresponsibly and you were stupid enough to drive while intoxicated, or you were stupid enough to get caught speeding through town because you thought it was a good idea while tipsy. Either way, you&rsquo;re still stupid and drunk.</p>

I mean, sure, the idea of enacting a scene from [insert number] Fast [insert number] Furious [insert number] would be crazy awesome, or the rush of humming the “Go Speed Racer” theme while shifting from low to high — I don’t drive; I have no idea what I’m talking about — and trying to keep the cup of water in your car from spilling is every driver’s dream. It’s like playing live Mario Kart, or Split/Second, or being in a drag race that has to get through that sewage drain that only fits one vehicle. You know, that one. But after nursing that entire bottle of wine on a dare? That’s just asking for trouble.

In either case, you’re busted. That cop didn’t just pick you out of everyone else, simply because you’re [insert racial prejudice here]. They did it because you look as if you’ve had a few too many. That, and you were swerving all over that lane, and you may have added rabbit roadkill to your list of felonies. 

So you have two really awful decisions to make here, and both of them suck so much that I’ll explain them to you. You can either: pull over and let the police officer deal with your mess, or you can drive away.

Let’s deal with the crazy suggestion first, and pull over. Now, you can work your earthly wiles and talk your way out of this ticket. ‘Cause you woke up like this, and you know how sexy you are; you can flirt your way out of this. It doesn’t matter what sexual orientation they are; you can overcome anything. After all, you did decide to drive intoxicated.

They approach, and you ready your flirtatious eyes. Aww yeah, bat them lashes, and when they cuff you for getting too frisky for their liking… wait, that’s not right. You’re already being taken in. Well… what did you expect, ignoring my advice and already going for broke and stroking them below the belt? Talk about zero to a 100 km/h.

While that timeline is you being thrown in the slammer, let’s look at the you that decided to play police car-chase.

Wow, look at you go! You’re pushing the limits of the road, as you break the speed limit. Thank goodness that you left the residential area and took to the highways; they would have roadblocked ya, and then where would we be? Oh yeah, the slammer.

Go! Drive! To the Canary Islands! Man, this chase is awesome to see in HD, let me tell you; my laptop is getting premium picture of the stupid-I-mean-stupid decision to not only drive drunk, but to get into a high-speed car chase drunk with the cops.

At this point, there’s no more advice I can give, because you are beyond my help. Either you crash and make it out alive, or you don’t and you make it out alive. 

Oh! In this timeline you go on the lam, avoid the cops like the plague, and live like a leper. It’s a sad life, and you avoid open-air establishments so the five-O, the po-po, the O.P.P doesn’t throw your ass in jail.


Looks like either way you’re going to jail. I hope you still get Imprint  when you’re in the slammer. Then you can keep reading me! ME!


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