Relationship conflicts are an inevitable part of interacting with others. Whether it is a romantic relationship, family relationship, friendship, or other social connection, uncomfortable situations naturally arise as relationships develop. When you experience discomfort with someone else, it is worth reflecting on whether you are protecting yourself and prioritizing your values in that process.
What is a boundary?
When you think of a boundary, what comes to mind? Broadly speaking, many people seem to think of it as being able to say “no” or the ability to protect your comfort regardless of others’ opinions. While these are valid aspects of a boundary, it is only the surface of what a boundary actually involves. Professor Denise Whitehead from the sexualities, relationships, and families department at St. Jerome’s University shared her perspective: “One of the biggest misunderstandings is that a boundary is about getting someone else to do something that you want. A good boundary starts with oneself and understanding what one values in a relationship. It is about how you decide [on] how you will protect your own well-being in a relationship.”
In practice, setting boundaries is more about knowing what to do when someone crosses them. Many students might relate to Professor Whitehead’s boundary example of visiting family and having them repeatedly ask your relationship status. “Your first step, when you are calm and measured, would be to sit with your parent and have a conversation that while you appreciate their concern, you are an adult who is making your own decisions about your romantic life,” she said. If an uncomfortable situation like such continues after having a conversation, you could remind them about the previous conversation. “You might think the boundary is that your parent won’t discuss the topic, but the boundary is actually yours and what you will do in response to the parent who doesn’t respect the boundary.” As Whitehead explained, it is important to understand that a healthy boundary is a choice about how you will protect yourself in the case that your request is not respected.
Boundaries exist in any relationship and in many aspects of our lives. Clearly knowing and drawing your own boundaries in these areas can play a crucial role in building a healthy relationship, as it enables one another to understand and respect what is allowed in the relationship.
Importance of setting a healthy boundary
When your boundaries in a relationship are not communicated clearly, others may try to figure them out by making assumptions based on their own perspectives, which may not align with your boundaries and can lead to harmful experiences. Furthermore, if your boundaries are not communicated early enough, the other person may continue to cross them, even without intending to cause harm. Over time, this may ultimately lead to emotional or physical estrangement due to cumulative effects of unresolved conflict.
Esther Yang, a third-year psychology student at UW, shared how uncommunicated boundaries caused harm in a relationship. “I think unlabeled relationships cause a lot of unawareness [between] two parties in their expectations with ‘boundaries’ and [they] are easy to cross if not communicated clearly beforehand. There was a moment when someone I liked was only testing the waters or prioritizing the fun of the moment, while I expected a level of commitment sooner than they did.”
Hamin Hwang, a second-year UW math student, spoke about the struggles of setting boundaries in a family setting. “Instead of having a back and forth conversation with my parents where we could genuinely try to understand each other, I often felt like the conversation ended before I even had the chance to explain myself. Over time, I think this made it harder for me to not only express my truest self but also to set boundaries around them.”
In the context of family relationships, Whitehead shared the challenging reality of setting boundaries. “When it comes to family relationships, we have a strong societal belief that family should stay close through thick and thin,” she said. “When we are unable to sort out our differences and respect each other’s boundaries, that shrinks the degree of closeness we feel, and the loss can feel greater when it impacts how or where we spend holidays, who we can call on a bad day, or who will take care of us when we are ill.”
A common example of an absent or unclear boundary is when someone continuously accepts requests they are not comfortable with, and does not express their honest feelings about this to others. Without communicating your values, you may become emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed, leading to relationship burnout. Whitehead shared that one may consider cutting off contact or becoming estranged from someone when attempts at healthy discussions fail or requests for boundaries are repeatedly denied. But above all, it is important to make an effort to establish and protect your boundaries before choosing to distance yourself from someone or end a relationship.
How to set a healthy boundary and effectively communicate
Not everything in life is within our control — including other people, our environment, and the situations we encounter. Setting a boundary does not begin with confronting the other person but with looking inward. To guard your well-being against this unpredictability, it is vital to establish clear boundaries and communicate them effectively.
When a disagreement surfaces in a relationship, it is easy to think that the main problem is with someone else. However, honestly recognizing the issue and identifying each person’s responsibility should come prior to bringing it to the other person. Whitehead said, “Guilt is an important emotion when we have transgressed. When we are the one who has hurt someone, it is important that we have a conscience to recognize that we have caused harm.” Likewise, without first recognizing each person’s responsibility, it may deepen the offence rather than resolve it. Recognizing and analyzing the problem allows for greater clarity about each other’s responsibilities, and you will not have to unnecessarily take on the other’s part nor burden them with yours.
Once you have clarity about problem ownership, the following step is to communicate with the other person when they are ready as well. It is important to speak honestly about your own role, then let the other person know what needs to be respected and what the consequences will be when that boundary is crossed. In terms of communication, Whitehead emphasized the necessity of a deep conversation where both sides have a moment to agree on next steps. “A disagreement or conflict in any relationship should start with a calm, open discussion where you can share your concerns and be open and listen to the other person.” She added, “We have the tools to make a real apology where we take responsibility for what we have done, express remorse without excuses, and change our future behaviour.”
At the same time, boundaries are not one-sided, and as much as you want to be respected, the same applies to others. Yang shared a real-life instance of how she learned this through living with a roommate. “[I] simply ask questions. Just because something is your boundary doesn’t mean you can assume that it is also applicable to the other person. I always asked her to tell me if anything I do crosses her hygienic comfortability, and things like bringing over friends would also be communicated.”
Hwang also had a similar approach with his roommate. “Having these conversations allowed us to minimize unnecessary conflicts and truly made the experience of living together much smoother,” he stated. “I believe it’s really important to have these kinds of conversations consistently to check in with each other and make sure that each person’s boundaries are being respected. ” To set a healthy foundation for relationships, the key was to ask questions rather than making assumptions.
A boundary is not about controlling others but about setting your own limits and communicating your needs. Although many young adults struggle to set boundaries because they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, establishing this clear line becomes the foundation of a healthy relationship, as Whitehead highlighted. Moreover, it is crucial to remember that people should not feel guilty for not being able to meet others’ expectations. What must be recognized and improved is the part where we did wrong to that person. For those who struggle with guilt, Whitehead advised, “Never bend down to pick up guilt off the floor that others have laid there for us. Oftentimes, the easiest way to live without guilt or fearing that you are being selfish is to express your love of the person while also living your own life with the clarity of your own values and convictions.”
