At approximately 6 a.m., local goose Gavin woke up with a strong sense of purpose and absolutely no plan to respect it.
“I just felt like today was going to be my day,” Gavin said, standing aggressively in the middle of a walking path and refusing to move for anyone, including a confused first-year student on their way to an 8:30.
The student eventually walked around him.
Gavin considers this a win.
6:15 a.m. — Morning routine
Gavin began his day by screaming.
Experts say this is a common goose behavior, often mistaken for “honking,” but in reality functions as both a greeting and a warning. According to Gavin, it is “mostly a warning.”
“I like to set the tone early,” he explained, flapping his wings at nothing in particular. “Fear is important in building community.”
He then spent 20 minutes staring directly into a pond, presumably reflecting on life, or more likely, preparing to attack his reflection.
7:30 a.m. — Commuter engagement
As students began walking to class, Gavin initiated what he calls “active transportation disruption.”
Eyewitnesses report that he approached several individuals with increasing confidence, eventually chasing one engineering student for approximately 12 meters.
“I pay tuition here,” the student yelled.
Gavin declined to comment on this, but sources close to him confirm he also pays tuition — “in vibes.”
9 a.m. — Breakfast
Gavin consumed a carefully curated diet of:
- Grass (locally sourced)
- A discarded Tim Hortons wrapper
- Something he described as “mystery crunch”
Nutritionists were unavailable for comment, but Gavin insists his diet is “balanced” and “better than whatever students are doing.”
11:45 a.m. — Midday reflection
After a productive morning of intimidation and light grazing, Gavin took time for self-care by sitting directly in the sun and blocking an entire bike lane.
Cyclists were forced to dismount and walk around him, which Gavin describes as “a necessary reminder of hierarchy.”
“I don’t make the rules,” he said. “Actually, I do.”
1 p.m. — Professional Development
Gavin attended what appeared to be a meeting with several other geese.
The meeting consisted of:
- Standing in a loose circle
- Occasional synchronized honking
- One goose walking away dramatically and then returning
While the agenda remains unclear, insiders suggest the group was discussing “territorial expansion” and “whether humans deserve rights.”
3:30 p.m. — Conflict resolution
Tensions escalated when a passerby attempted to walk too close to Gavin’s general area.
Gavin responded by lowering his head, spreading his wings, and charging.
“I felt threatened,” Gavin later stated, though no one else reported feeling this way.
The passerby apologized.
Gavin accepted.
6 p.m. — Evening wind down
As the sun began to set, Gavin returned to the water, where he floated peacefully for several minutes before abruptly attacking a nearby leaf.
“It knew what it did,” he said.
By the end of the day, Gavin reported feeling “accomplished,” having:
- Asserted dominance over at least 12 humans
- Consumed three different types of garbage
- Maintained zero accountability
When asked about his plans for tomorrow, Gavin was clear:
“Same thing,” he said. “But worse.”
