Redefining love this February: Finding meaningful relationships

Valentine’s Day. Does it make you smile, remembering your latest kiss with your significant other? Or does it make you cringe, recalling the messy breakup with a former flame? With love in the air and grocery store aisles seemingly lined with every kind of heart-shaped chocolate, emotions are bound to arise. Valentine’s Day isn’t just about a dozen red roses, the sweetest poetry or a million romantic photos, love and relationships are intricate. Developing an understanding of how to sustain and develop meaningful relationships is key to our well-being. To uncover how today’s young people are approaching close relationships, I chatted with students and Denise Marigold, associate professor and chair of social development studies at UW, to gain insight into the psychology of relationships and how UW students can form meaningful connections.

Dating Apps and Finding Love Digitally

Bumble, Tinder, Hinge are all popular names you’ve likely heard when it comes to finding a romantic match online. Gen Z, which includes the current generation of 18-27 year olds, have been the first generation to “to have internet connectivity from birth.” In Canada, around 36% of Canadians report having used or currently engage in online dating. Interestingly, 20% of long-term relationships in Canada began online. Yet, despite being well-versed in the realm of tech, young people have shown interest in returning to more traditional ways of forming relationships. In Toronto, many singles are ditching apps in favour of in-person dating events. Toronto locals Felisha Liu and Ben Davies oversee an internationally recognized company called Thursday, which hosts weekly in-person socials for singles. The company has branded itself “the biggest IRL dating app in the world.” Whether the disenchantment with dating apps among Canadians is a sign of a potential downfall in online dating or displays a longing for authentic, in-person interactions, it seems that young people are developing new ways of seeking meaningful connection. Robby Szolgyemy, a fourth-year student in peace and conflict studies, admits to giving Tinder a try his freshman year, citing how the COVID-19 restrictions at the time made meeting new people challenging. Today and post-pandemic, Szolgyemy believes the popularity of dating apps among those in their twenties has decreased. Asked about the benefits of dating app usage, Szolgyemy asserts: “the benefits are that you know that you find each other attractive to some extent, so there is less likelihood of an unbalanced relationship.” Regarding the possibility of building a meaningful relationship via such apps, Szolgyemy believes “it is hard to look at the soul of [another] person when all you initially [notice] is their looks. Meaningful relationships stem from the inside, not the outside.” Asked whether he would encourage a friend or young people at large to consider dating apps, Szolgyemy discourages it, expressing: “It would be a shame for someone to spend their days swiping and texting instead of going out and doing something meaningful to them, and potentially finding a partner in the process.” Ayo Onaifo, a fifth year student majoring in psychology and legal studies, believes that, “relationships should be built on intentionality, communication, and faith, regardless of their origin story or platform.” Onaifo also encourages students not to “overlook the significance of friendships or the slow-burn, friends-to-lovers dynamic—these connections can naturally develop into something deeper and lead to stronger, more lasting relationships.”

Barriers to Meaningful Relationships

Asked to list barriers that come to mind when developing close relationships, Marigold highlights the need to invest time, particularly face-to-face time. She emphasizes how social media lacks the ability to authentically replicate real-life interactions. Yet, if we have a “long-established friendship or romantic relationship with someone [and then are] relying on texting for a while, you can have a better sense of whether [your friend/partner] is being sarcastic or upset.” She underscores, “To build a relationship [through texting], you only have this tiny bit of information that’s not the whole picture.” Being smart about our use of technology in the early stages of a relationship is key. 

The Five Love Languages

The hashtag #lovelanguages has over 500 million views on social media sites such as TikTok. Whether you’ve heard of it via TikTok or spotted the book while browsing your local library or bookstore, there’s no denying that Gary Chapman’s book series, The 5 Love Languages has become well-known when it comes to relationship self-help. With a quick quiz to find out your love language and a seemingly easy fix to transform how we connect with others, Chapman’s book popularized the concept of every person having a preferred means of giving and receiving love and affection — their love language. The book lists them as words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Research into whether the concept of love languages holds truth suggests that love is moreso similar to a nutritionally balanced diet. Rather than being solely reliant on one nutrient or love language, we require a steady intake of a variety of nutrients or love languages to thrive. When it comes to developing or maintaining close relationships, rather than assuming we should supply our partner mainly with their key love language, it’s worth considering how different situations may call for displays of quality time versus gifts, for example. Interestingly, just like nutritional deficiencies such as anemia mean a person requires more iron than average, individuals with chronic relationship insecurity or attachment avoidance benefit especially when their partner expresses appreciation. In sum, rather than conclude that one’s primary love language is how one should always approach displays of affection, recognizing the need to offer love in a variety of manners is key to sustaining a relationship that is fulfilling and provides us with what we need.

Quick Tips for Meaningful Connection

Marigold shared three quick points to keep in mind when looking to develop or maintain positive relationships:

1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable

Marigold emphasizes the need to “allow [oneself] to be vulnerable in being known and knowing others,” which she cites as key to building intimacy. For those who struggle with insecurity or low self-esteem, letting oneself be seen means “taking [the] risk of putting yourself out there and hoping [to be accepted].” It is only through vulnerability that authentic connection and closeness can thrive.

2. Listening and Communication

Next, Marigold touches on the need for listening and patience between partners: “We’re often listening as we’re thinking about our own response.” She highlights the need to be open to “hearing the other person [not just their words], but where they’re coming from.” Communication ties in with the listening aspect and she highlights the importance of “communicating about [your] needs, [being] prepared to share, [asking] for what you need, [and] avoid making assumptions.” 

3. Support each other and seek opportunities for growth

If you’ve ever had an awful day or missed out on a promotion, if you have a partner, it’s likely you’d turn to them when things are going poorly. Marigold touches on both the need to rely on a partner when things feel difficult, but also the importance of having someone in your corner to cheer you on and support your growth. Marigold reminds us: “Part of your role as a partner in a meaningful relationship is to help each other become the best version of yourselves.”

Whether you spend your time singing love songs, daydreaming of the one you could sing them to, or spend your days focusing on self-improvement and self-love, proud of your own growth, there are so many paths that can lead us to finding love and connectedness. With an understanding of the challenges of becoming closer to an existing or future partner and self-reflection, perhaps you’ve become inspired to learn more about yourself and relationships to give yourself the best shot at developing a relationship that fulfills you. Marigold encourages students to recognize how “social behaviour is part of our daily lives and [take note that] satisfaction with our relationships contributes more to our overall well-being than any other domain of life.”