Failure. It’s a word many of us associate with feelings of shame and loss. In a world that places success as the pillar to a meaningful life and defines it as the bedrock of happiness, it becomes even more essential to push ourselves to reach success. You have likely felt the pressure to achieve top grades during your high school courses, hoping to give yourself the best possible shot at a university admission. Other times, when what we’re pursuing doesn’t have as clear an outcome, we may ironically fail to consider if the success we’re chasing is something we truly want. Even if it is, we may fall prey to the traps of perfectionism and self-defeating coping mechanisms, and become ashamed of the many failures that can arise along the road to any meaningful accomplishment. Whether it happens when you flunk your calculus quiz, forget to submit your paper on Waterloo Learn, or find out your significant other moves on to a new beau, know that there’s always possibility beyond failure. Failure and the ability to rise beyond it are often the skills that will benefit you long after completing your undergraduate degree.
Reimagining failure
If we measure our worth and joy by the number of successes we attained, what happens when difficulties arise and failure inevitably shows up? During your first year at university, give yourself the grace to grow accustomed to the new environment you’re in and acknowledge that change is tough. The body and mind need time to adjust to unfamiliarity. An article from Psychology Today sheds light on the possibility of failure representing a new kind of success. Rather than seeing success as the direct road to happiness, research continually suggests that true joy is driven by “purpose, relationships and growth.” In fact, the article suggests that “embracing the courage to try matters more than achieving a specific outcome.” Psychology professors Sonja Lyubomirsky and Ed Diener, well-regarded for their research in the field of positive psychology, found that the emotional boost that follows success “is short-lived” — reaching new levels of achievement appears to lose its spark shortly after as happiness fades back to earlier levels. Meanwhile, individuals who have known failure along the road to accomplishment wound up reporting higher levels of happiness and emotional well-being. Awards and job titles aren’t drivers to true fulfillment. It is the ability to overcome failure that enables us to grow beyond what a path of continual triumph could ever allow.
Failing to succeed? Overcoming academic challenges
One of the clearest and most common indicators of failure is apparent in the realm of academia: grades. Academic feedback and grading instantly let us know how “successful” or “unsuccessful” we are. Rather than focus solely on grades as indicators of success, recognize that a significant part of learning involves trial and error. Although striving towards high academic accomplishment and studying for your exams is essential at university, what is also key is not letting one bad grade or even one failed course lead you to giving up or seeing yourself as a failure. Fourth-year science student Dakota Atkinson reflected on how failing a prerequisite course early on in his undergraduate career changed his perspective on failure and success. This challenge wound up teaching Atkinson more about how failure is inherently a part of every person’s journey towards success. His experience with failure helped him connect with his peers, and enabled him to further his future academic success. After failing a difficult chemistry course, Atkinson learned to prioritize tough courses over his preferred courses and confide in classmates for support. Perhaps most importantly, he found that many of his most successful friends who are in graduate school and pursuing PhDs all failed a course or two, some even failing the same course he did.
As you progress through your first-year courses, keep in mind that it takes time to develop the study strategies that work best for you and that experiencing academic challenges along the way is not evidence of any shortcoming. Rather, allow difficulties to inspire you to develop innovative ways of learning and seek supportive relationships.
Enduring heartbreak and relationship ‘failures’
Feelings of failure aren’t limited only to the realm of academics. Through your time at UW, you’re bound to meet those who will uplift you and inspire you and those who will ghost you, forget you, or intentionally or unintentionally hurt your feelings. Other friendships may fade as you or a friend get caught up in the whirlwind of university life or move away to different cities or countries to find that next big career break. Whether you experience heartbreak or the loss of a close friendship in your first year or further down the line, know this: the loss of a relationship that mattered to you will ache, but it does not define your worth.
As said by inventor Alexander Graham Bell, when one door closes, another opens. Yet, as Bell emphasizes, we tend to look with such regret and longing at the door that has shut, we fail to see the door that has opened for us. Love and relationships can be both the source of immense joy and ironically, the source of much emotional turmoil and rejection. Atkinson echoes this sentiment, encouraging: “It may take time and often self-reflection, but you will find your people.” He adds, “Just because a friendship or relationship failed to keep going doesn’t necessarily mean you failed as a person. Some things just aren’t meant to be.”
Whether it’s the feeling that ensues after being brushed off when you ask someone out or the heartache that lingers long after the dissolution of a long-term relationship, there’s no denying breakups and rejection can feel like failures. The interesting part of “failure” in our close relationships is that we so often treat rejection, particularly social rejection, as a kind of personal failure. This reaction is embedded in our evolutionary roots. As social beings, we’re hardwired to seek belonging and group cohesion to support our survival. Our brains also experience the pain of social rejection much like physical injury — both kinds of pain are processed in the same brain regions. As a result, it’s important to acknowledge heartbreak or feelings of rejection. Likewise, it’s also key to prioritize self-care and move forward with the knowledge that we can always develop new relationships and continually seek meaningful opportunities for connection.
Transcending failure in the classroom and in relationships
What if your next failed paper or heartbreak wound up being the fuel for your biggest accomplishment? Acknowledging failure, leaning into discomfort, connecting success to trying, and enjoying the process are all ways of effectively turning failure into fuel for success. The psychological theory known as control theory proposes just that. Control theory is built around the belief that the negative emotions that accompany failure are drivers towards later success. Shame and lethargy are defined as low arousal emotions that can reduce motivation to overcome failure and often emerge in the face of defining yourself by your failure. On the other hand, high arousal emotions like envy and defiance, when channelled towards determination to make positive changes in your life, can drive success.
Let’s dive into some quick tips to help you use psychology to overcome your next failed paper or heartbreak:
Acknowledge failure
The first step to moving beyond failure involves doing the hard work of sitting with your negative feelings. An article from CBC describes a study in the Journal of Behavioural Decision-Making that suggests when we take responsibility for failure, rather than engage in self-protective cognitions such as inventing excuses for why we fell short, we’re more likely to succeed the next time. Acknowledge where you went wrong — it’s the first step to making different choices that provide better outcomes.
Lean into discomfort
Just as control theory advises, feel your negative emotions following failure. The key is to avoid leaning into feelings of shame and indifference and instead allow negative emotions to motivate you to persevere. A great example of this can be thought of when heading to the gym to work out when feeling angry about a breakup. Channel your anger or envy into goals and use it as an inner fire to keep going.
Connect success and trying
The courage to try with no guarantee of success can appear daunting. Yet when we remove success as a required result of trying, we’re more likely to find fulfillment, regardless of whether we win the race or not. When it comes to academics, find study strategies that promote your success. Whether it’s rewarding yourself with a treat after studying for an exam, hosting group study sessions with your peers, or listening to classical music, find the approaches that make learning more enjoyable and you just might find success organically.
Enjoy the process
As per the article from Psychology Today, when we can enjoy the journey towards achievement, burnout becomes less common. Remember that “[if] you’re pursuing something you don’t actually enjoy doing, even ‘success’ can feel like failure.” Aim to stay process-oriented and pursue your studies and activities not only for what you want to accomplish, but because you enjoy what you are learning.
Sometimes you’ll struggle to find the words to begin your 10-page paper or flunk your biology assignment. Along the way you’ll learn about yourself and develop the learning strategies that support your success. As Atkinson attests, “Your degree is not a race. This is an important time in your life both professionally and personally, so it is vital that you prioritize your personal wellbeing.”
